Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights once made an airplane.

-- Beware of the quantum duck. Quark! Quark! Quark! --

Great minds think in great circles.

Smile, life could be worse. So I did. And it was.

Your hard disk will be ejected in Frisbee Mode.
(Y)es (O)k (F)ine (D)o it (G)o ahead?

I'm in shape...round's a shape, isn't it?

When in danger or in doubt,
run in circles, scream and shout.

Si hoc adfixum in obice legere potes, et liberaliter educatus et nimis propinquus ades
(If you can read this bumper sticker, you are both very well educated and much too close.)

Skinny people piss me off. Especially when they say things like,"You know, sometimes I forget to eat." Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it's good.
He's dead. Good.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills.
She had 14 kids, but she didn't give a shit.

They kept telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative, but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the 7 A.M. class, "Vigorous Aerobic Toning"?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen, you stupid bitch... do it and you die."

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, drinking too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving way too fast.
Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day!

404 File not found. Should I fake it (Y/N)?

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money.
And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
(Jack Handy)

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?
We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
(Jack Handy)

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
(Jack Handy)

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
(Jack Handy)

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
(Jack Handy)

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."
(Jack Handy)

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
(Jack Handy)

I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.
(Jack Handy)

"But this script can't sink!"
"She is made of irony, sir. I assure you, she can. And she will."

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.

Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

0.666 Number of the Millibeast

I have seen the truth
and it makes no sense.

A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen And This Kitchen Is Delirious.

No husband has ever been shot doing the dishes.

A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

Housework done properly can kill you.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

All my life I wanted to be someone. I guess I should have been more specific.

Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Peace on Earth would mean the end of civilization as we know it.

It's not hard to meet expenses - they're everywhere.

When you pull the pin, Mr. Grenade is no longer your friend.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you are a mile away from him, and you have his shoes.

It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.

If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

"And do you know what they call hobbits in Mordor?"
"They don't call them hobbits?"
"No, in Mordor they call them halfling-burgers"

"Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
"All of my autopsies are performed on dead people."

"All of your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?"
"Oral."

If your CC: list is regularly longer than the actual content of your message, you're probably going to Hell.

If it ain't broke, don't break it.

Guns don't kill people. It's those damn bullets. Guns just make them go really really fast.
(Jake Johanson)

People who hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.

Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.

Q: What goes clip clip bang bang?
A: An Amish drive-by shooting.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.
(Lily Tomlin)

Now, I hope you never have to use this, but if you're ever pursued by a crocodile, run in a zigzag fashion. They have little or no ability to make sudden changes in direction. But they're fast, they're very fast. In fact, there are probably more people that are killed by crocodiles than there are by . . . anything. More than heart disease. And I hear they're headed west. (Tom Waits)

- Ohhhh, we used to DREAM of livin' in a corridor!
(Monty Python, "Four Yorkshiremen")

I stay in a place called 'Rooms'. There's a whole chain of them.
(Tom Waits)

GLENDOWER : I can call spirits from the vasty deep.
HOTSPUR : Why, so can I, or so can any man;
But will they come when you do call for them?
(William Shakespeare, King Henry IV, Act 3)

The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
(William Somerset Maugham)